Regarding the state of me.
Let me start off by saying, Yes I am acting paranoid and no telling me this does not fucking help my fucking state of mind, so fuck off.
I’ve had a pretty fucked up life no thanks to an abusive mother along with a very disfunctional family. I think the only reason I am not in prison is because of my father.
That along with two abusive and cheating ex-girlfriends and two suicide attempts while I was in the military has left me pretty fucking messed up in the head.
I don’t want to dwell on that, but I bring it up for context. What matters is now and why I feel the way I do.
I created the GCC to offer something that other podcasts didn’t in the heyday of the Brony Fandom which was basically adult content and discussion and it was great for awhile. Then drama happened and we started talking about it, because Bronyville sure as fuck wasn’t going to. Then the SAAC leaks started coming out.
Out of some stupid naivety i thought I would do a good thing and be a whistleblower on these leaks, and so we did, loudly. Because of these we had a direct hand in destroying a Con and probably saving hundreds of people the misery and wasted time and money of going to a failed con.
I thought we were heroes, I mean hey we stopped a bad thing from happened, that’s great isn’t it?
Nope, I started to notice a problem when I found out about the PFP and how it was a bunch of fandom media entities united in protecting themselves from EFN, which was a real threat back then in regards to con coverage, hell they were the reason SAAC failed, my podcast had a vested interested in this group and for some reason I wasn’t a part of it, so I basically had to talk my way in and once I did people started leaving. Well whatever, fuck em right?
I went to Nightmare Nights Dallas 2013. People who I thought were my friends and comrades generally avoided me or treated me with contempt. I think the only reason I got any decent treatment from the staff or my friends was because I drove a Tahoe down, and with that I could haul a lot of people around. Yeah, I felt like I was only good to be a fucking taxi.
Due to medical stuff regarding my breathing and weight I had to skip out on a lot of things in 2014, plus having some family members die off didn’t help. In the fall of 2014 was when several medical bills finally came in, I couldn’t go to NMND 2014 and I started breaking down.
My cohost Mbulsht started working full time and along with his MMO time meant he couldn’t do the show anymore, and my other cohost BHHammy didn’t really care about it. So the GCC went into hiatus.
My uncle was discovered partially eaten and rotting away in his hoarder home and it made local news. My sanity continued to break down.
Finally I realized that mbulsht and bhhammy basically abandoned the GCC and I feel me as well. I felt like I was being treated as something inbetween a wild animal and a psychopath in the PFP chat, rather than someone who was in pain and needed a friend.
The final straw came in from my dear sweet mother, who kindly called me up crying and letting me know her boyfriend died. The same boyfriend she fucked around with and ruined my dad and myself with when I was a kid. She never called me, not when it was my birthday, not when my Grandma died, never before this.
And I just came crashing all down. I can’t put into words how I feel right now, how alone, and mocked, and hurt I feel.
I just feel like it’s coming from all sides.
I don’t know what to do.
I have no one to help me.
I have no clue what the fuck I am going to do.
I killed off the GCC because well, it’s dying and I want to just end it. It deserved better, but I can’t give it better.
I left the PFP because well, I don’t want to be treated like some kind of a monster for doing the right thing anymore.
I don’t know if I can go to Babscon or Nightmare Nights, because I don’t want to be used as a tool that can be thrown away when I am not needed.
I just want to be treated like a person who matter by the people who tell me I am their friend.
I don’t have a plan, I don’t know what I am going to do.
I thought writing this would help me deal, but it didn’t.